A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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