he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
