I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
