My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
