I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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