meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Randomize