He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
