Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
