for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
