I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
