Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize