I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
