grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Randomize
