Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
