i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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