so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
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