The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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