i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
