I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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