Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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