I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
