Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize