Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
