I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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