I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
