Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
