someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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