It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
