I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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