Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
