I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
