Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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