i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
