A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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