if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
