I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
