4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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