dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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