Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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