My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
