dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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