Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Rumble strips road head = magical
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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