you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
