Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
