Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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