Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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