I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
