sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
