Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
