Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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