I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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