I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
