she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
