just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
