what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
