im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
