White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
