he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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