my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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