All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
